It's Late

So, what a week this has been. My dog, Sampson, died on Monday and today has just been very weird. I feel very diconnected from a lot of people, as if I am a fallen leaf drifting silently down a stream. The paths right now for my life seem clear but at the moment, even when my intuition senses are at the peak, nothing seems to be happening.
The darkness that ever clouded my life has vanished since the beginning of this year; either due to multitudes of people consistently praying for me or from a new, braver and more positive approach to life. In my opinion, it's a combination of the two. I struggle with wanting to fully pursue a career in acting, performing arts, music and fashion and to want to find that other half of me in my future partner. I feel by the middle to the end of August I will be ready to have that long-term relationship, yet if (like the psychic and I both predict) I end up moving to NY or Seattle by the end of the year, it would be very difficult to choose between the two. Ultimately I want to have both, however, that would be asking a lot from my boyfriend. So, in reality, at some point a choice will have to be made, but I want the choice to be reflective of something that can be extended and maintained well into the future; not just for a couple of months or even a year.

Career-wise I know I would fully dedicate myself to the art and music that I want to create. Relationship-wise I know that I am looking for that special person whom I can spend the rest of my life with. someone who loves me unconditionally and sees me better than I see myself, the other half of me, the one whom I would lay down my life for and most likely will end up doing so. In the end, who knows? Right now, it's just a matter of patience, perserverance and waiting. Taking each day as it comes and not trying to take control of a situation, but just have faith that God will provide and have the best plan in mind. Faith and hope is all I have in this world right now; love is slowly being built back up through the friendships I have now and I can only continue to hope that there will be someone who sees me as their equal, their other half, their reason for breathing. God is my hope and He's the only one who has ever loved me consistently. My faith in Him is undeniable and may I only lay my life down for Him in the end.

I have hope that there is a man out there for me, a woman out there for you and that other half out there for all of us. "I won't let you give up on a miracle when it might save you." - Paramore

Life in 2011

Wow, so I was not expecting to be gone so long from this. Life has definitely been a whirlwind for me. I moved to North Carolina whereby I met some amazing new people, grew as an individual and ultimately had my faith and beliefs tested like never before. Since moving in August I have arrived at many forks in the road of life; some with two paths so drastically different the obvious path was clear, and some paths so similar, I would ultimately have to sit and wait for a sign. The paths I have chosen are definitely the "ones less traveled by" (Robert Frost), yet they "have made all the difference".
Some people I have talked to regarding my relationship with Christ and my faith caused me to leave the school I initiallly attended while upon arriving to NC. Whereas before I believed through shades of black and white, after a few months of taking risks, meeting new people (raw people) and finding many facades and unawered questions at the seminary school, I began to view the world (as well as the individuals within) in a totally different light. Alas, my final reason for leaving this school involved a culmination of all of the above, including, but not limited too, my sexuality. However, since leaving the school and arriving at the clove of 2010, life has been much better. Already the first three months of this year have been the happiest of life since I was 15. Even those very limited few that have had the chance to really get to know the real Josh have told me how happy I am and how much happier I sound and appear to others. Which was very tough considering I had been battling with suicide since I was 14; thankfully I finally won that battle after many years and with the help of Christ finally overcame my romance with self-destruction. The school I attended and the people I had met at many of the churches I visited did not help my situation, considering the fact that I had never been told so many times in my life that I was going to go to hell. Apparently, I am going to go to hell because my hair color is different; I wore too much dark clothing; I wore some eyeliner; I thought about life and death; I searched for answers. However, the greatest compliment I received was from a close Christian friend of mine, who has the most amazing testimony ever, next to my best friend Jake Templeton at the school I attended. She (Brianne) told me she could tell I had the Holy Spirit within me and that I loved Christ when it came down to the wire. This meant the world too me, because I know what I beleive, and I have never denied Christ to anyone. Some say you can't be Christian and gay......well technically speaking you can't be a Christian and a liar either, or an adulterer, or a murderer; because ultimately in God's eyes all sin is the same. Yet that is a whole other topic I will discuss later. So to anyone that follows me this is my update. Hope this year is just as great for you.

The Void of a Fallout

The bottled drink of decadence

corroded my mind on this night

The Reaper offered condolence

as Fate passed into sight


Signs in the sky and pavement

show me I'm not welcome here

This wasteland is all but vacant

Lost souls drift away far and near


Where is this man to go now?

Walking alone in the fallout


I'm no longer in what I thought was heaven

Instead I'm in the haven of the damned

Artificial angels soar in the dust clouds

Oh God, where is this man but in doubt?


The door of death is now open

He ponders the sulfurous smell

The demon crawlss back slowly in

Back from the darkest void of hell


He is no longer tested physically

His mind perceives nothing true

You tested Fate's lovely cruelty

It doesn't want possessions; only you


Who is this lonely man now?

Now a remnant of the final fallout

Untitled

Ever since the clove of my birth, life has been a struggle. I don't believe there has been one day where there has ever truly been a moment of piece. Every day is a new fight, a new cliff and a new bottom. Times have changed and the sequences of those events are not as closely intertwined as they were before. but they still exist.

And although I am in a new place, with new faces, new blessings, there is still that same darkness, that same presence that has followed me since the beginning. He is always there, in the eyes of a stranger, beneath the cracks of the cobbled and broken bricks, in the shadows of the trees. It's like no matter what I do, or where I go, nothing changes. Sure some of the residential ones have left and that's why I know not to visit those places again, primarily because the Holy Spirit led me to not go there. But he is always there no matter what, vile and evil and I can see him, even when others can not. Because he is not interested in their world; their own blindness deceives them so why should he put forth any effort?

Perhaps this is the reason why friends are non-existant.....families are there then taken away. I am always moving, like a lone vagabond.

Places I Don't Care To Live

Ok so I have visited a few cities now and know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that there are a few that God probably does not intend for me to live in......ever. Number one: Washington D.C. This city is so filled up with politics and fake people in general, it's almost impossible to even know if the Starbucks on the end of the street corner is really Starbucks or not. And it's not just D.C it is about every city in Northern Virginia too. The people appear to be nice, but trust me, its totally the opposite way around. Number two: Boston. This city had many more perks than D.C. (Fenway Park, Boston Harbor, the small Italian corner of the city) but frankly it felt a little boring. You have Harvard, Yale and Cambridge, along with other "big name" colleges, but I guess because it is such an academic machination in such a small area, the college students lack personality. The only people I saw with a personality were the street performers and the homeless. In fact, Boston just felt like an industrialized version of Camden County with more individuals from Asian or Korean descent. What was strange was how many people loved, I mean adored, country music! It was on the streets, at the baseball game, in the church we helped build, everywhere it seemed. The same could be said about Philadelphia too, although Philly was more diverse. It wasn't as clean as Boston but it was ok. It fell in the category between D.C. and Boston. Oh well, at least I know now haha.

Sleep

Ok so it's 2 in the morning right now, there is some distant thunder that can be heard through the stained window and hollow walls, and I can't sleep! I am wide awake at the moment and can not seem to fall asleep for the life of me. If I was a night bird that would be cool, because then I could watch the lightning spray across the sky like graffiti amidst a wall of black. Soaring, drifting, the billowing winds giving my body buoyancy as I sail through waves of trees and branches. The pale moonlight would provide just enough visibility to narrowly miss certain objects in my path, such as a dimming streetlight (enshrouded by a cloud of fog) might do for a quiet loner, wandering the streets vacantly at night. Such as I am, such will I be. Well, goodnight!

Things On My Mind

What would it be like to touch the sky, like dipping a finger into water? What if death wasn't viewed so bad by the world, but was seen as a new beginning? Why is forgiveness and forgetting such a hard combination? If love is patient, and if love is kind, then why do we mistake love for lust? Why is being single and happy such a crime to others that it involves an investigation?

""No" simply means begin again one level higher."
"When faced with two options........choose both."
"If you can't win, change the rules. If you can't change the rules, ignore them."
"The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live."
"Don't walk when you can run."
"Start at the top then work your way up."
"When faced without a challenge, make one."