So, what a week this has been. My dog, Sampson, died on Monday and today has just been very weird. I feel very diconnected from a lot of people, as if I am a fallen leaf drifting silently down a stream. The paths right now for my life seem clear but at the moment, even when my intuition senses are at the peak, nothing seems to be happening.
The darkness that ever clouded my life has vanished since the beginning of this year; either due to multitudes of people consistently praying for me or from a new, braver and more positive approach to life. In my opinion, it's a combination of the two. I struggle with wanting to fully pursue a career in acting, performing arts, music and fashion and to want to find that other half of me in my future partner. I feel by the middle to the end of August I will be ready to have that long-term relationship, yet if (like the psychic and I both predict) I end up moving to NY or Seattle by the end of the year, it would be very difficult to choose between the two. Ultimately I want to have both, however, that would be asking a lot from my boyfriend. So, in reality, at some point a choice will have to be made, but I want the choice to be reflective of something that can be extended and maintained well into the future; not just for a couple of months or even a year.
Career-wise I know I would fully dedicate myself to the art and music that I want to create. Relationship-wise I know that I am looking for that special person whom I can spend the rest of my life with. someone who loves me unconditionally and sees me better than I see myself, the other half of me, the one whom I would lay down my life for and most likely will end up doing so. In the end, who knows? Right now, it's just a matter of patience, perserverance and waiting. Taking each day as it comes and not trying to take control of a situation, but just have faith that God will provide and have the best plan in mind. Faith and hope is all I have in this world right now; love is slowly being built back up through the friendships I have now and I can only continue to hope that there will be someone who sees me as their equal, their other half, their reason for breathing. God is my hope and He's the only one who has ever loved me consistently. My faith in Him is undeniable and may I only lay my life down for Him in the end.
I have hope that there is a man out there for me, a woman out there for you and that other half out there for all of us. "I won't let you give up on a miracle when it might save you." - Paramore
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Life in 2011
Wow, so I was not expecting to be gone so long from this. Life has definitely been a whirlwind for me. I moved to North Carolina whereby I met some amazing new people, grew as an individual and ultimately had my faith and beliefs tested like never before. Since moving in August I have arrived at many forks in the road of life; some with two paths so drastically different the obvious path was clear, and some paths so similar, I would ultimately have to sit and wait for a sign. The paths I have chosen are definitely the "ones less traveled by" (Robert Frost), yet they "have made all the difference".
Some people I have talked to regarding my relationship with Christ and my faith caused me to leave the school I initiallly attended while upon arriving to NC. Whereas before I believed through shades of black and white, after a few months of taking risks, meeting new people (raw people) and finding many facades and unawered questions at the seminary school, I began to view the world (as well as the individuals within) in a totally different light. Alas, my final reason for leaving this school involved a culmination of all of the above, including, but not limited too, my sexuality. However, since leaving the school and arriving at the clove of 2010, life has been much better. Already the first three months of this year have been the happiest of life since I was 15. Even those very limited few that have had the chance to really get to know the real Josh have told me how happy I am and how much happier I sound and appear to others. Which was very tough considering I had been battling with suicide since I was 14; thankfully I finally won that battle after many years and with the help of Christ finally overcame my romance with self-destruction. The school I attended and the people I had met at many of the churches I visited did not help my situation, considering the fact that I had never been told so many times in my life that I was going to go to hell. Apparently, I am going to go to hell because my hair color is different; I wore too much dark clothing; I wore some eyeliner; I thought about life and death; I searched for answers. However, the greatest compliment I received was from a close Christian friend of mine, who has the most amazing testimony ever, next to my best friend Jake Templeton at the school I attended. She (Brianne) told me she could tell I had the Holy Spirit within me and that I loved Christ when it came down to the wire. This meant the world too me, because I know what I beleive, and I have never denied Christ to anyone. Some say you can't be Christian and gay......well technically speaking you can't be a Christian and a liar either, or an adulterer, or a murderer; because ultimately in God's eyes all sin is the same. Yet that is a whole other topic I will discuss later. So to anyone that follows me this is my update. Hope this year is just as great for you.
Some people I have talked to regarding my relationship with Christ and my faith caused me to leave the school I initiallly attended while upon arriving to NC. Whereas before I believed through shades of black and white, after a few months of taking risks, meeting new people (raw people) and finding many facades and unawered questions at the seminary school, I began to view the world (as well as the individuals within) in a totally different light. Alas, my final reason for leaving this school involved a culmination of all of the above, including, but not limited too, my sexuality. However, since leaving the school and arriving at the clove of 2010, life has been much better. Already the first three months of this year have been the happiest of life since I was 15. Even those very limited few that have had the chance to really get to know the real Josh have told me how happy I am and how much happier I sound and appear to others. Which was very tough considering I had been battling with suicide since I was 14; thankfully I finally won that battle after many years and with the help of Christ finally overcame my romance with self-destruction. The school I attended and the people I had met at many of the churches I visited did not help my situation, considering the fact that I had never been told so many times in my life that I was going to go to hell. Apparently, I am going to go to hell because my hair color is different; I wore too much dark clothing; I wore some eyeliner; I thought about life and death; I searched for answers. However, the greatest compliment I received was from a close Christian friend of mine, who has the most amazing testimony ever, next to my best friend Jake Templeton at the school I attended. She (Brianne) told me she could tell I had the Holy Spirit within me and that I loved Christ when it came down to the wire. This meant the world too me, because I know what I beleive, and I have never denied Christ to anyone. Some say you can't be Christian and gay......well technically speaking you can't be a Christian and a liar either, or an adulterer, or a murderer; because ultimately in God's eyes all sin is the same. Yet that is a whole other topic I will discuss later. So to anyone that follows me this is my update. Hope this year is just as great for you.
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